Some afterthoughts after all this dance night frenzy. Feel like writing a note on facebook (again, yes I know) but how sure how I should phrase it...aye.
These few weeks have been quite crazy, having to wreck my brains hard to think on how to improve this and that, how to help the juniors, how to come across as not being too intrusive while maintaining the friendliness with them, etc. A week of sleeping 3-4 hours every day, juggling work and helping out in whatever way I could possibly do so.
How I miss those days. (Haha, 红蜻蜓 is playing on my itunes, so apt. 我们都一起长大，好多梦快要飞，就像同年看到红色的蜻蜓...Hehe. 真实老了。)
Haha, I think the best way to sum it up would be what I said at the end of the show to some friends: (1) Good show, guys. (2) 又是一年。
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You may ask me why I bother so much? Why bother so much about your previous CCA? It's just a CCA what. Let it be lah. Let juniors have their time and fun. Once in a while, we may have something in our mind. Perhaps a distant memory stirred some emotions in you. But you might be hesitant to translate it into any sort of actions for whatever reason. Too caught up with work, too busy, have another way of looking at things, do things via different methods. Well, these are all personal decisions. Whatever they are, I respect them. I do not ask of anyone to be like me. Yup. So...coming back to why I bother so much?
Frankly speaking, I'm not so sure myself initially. There's a part inside me that tells me I should bother. Some things are very intuitive; this is probably one of them...okay lah. Few months ago, on my way home, I think I found a way to rationalise with myself and it goes like this:
"You know dancers always talk about giving back to the dance scene, knowing your roots and stuff like that. There's this emotional and moral aspect to it. And, in that light, I don't see anything wrong with myself being so bothered by what goes on in the CCA. To me, that's my roots. I started to pick up dancing some time in Sec 4 and became more and more interested. Somehow, I was lucky I managed to get into MAD. I had a great instructor who taught us many life lessons - Felix. I had great friends who I worked with. I have a crew who I still dance with, though we might not be all as hardcore as before. (Think Bboy Bounce's quote: Breaking can come first in your life, second, third...fifth or even last. But don't forget why you started breaking and don't stop.) I enjoy the company of great juniors. I gained a hell lot from the entire experience. And I wanted to make sure my juniors enjoy themselves too. I wanted the CCA to become better. In short, I wanted to do good, do something good for the CCA."
(This post is getting really long.)
So yes, that is why I'm so bothered by my dearest CCA.
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This following is a rant.
I'm not someone who asks for recognition. I don't do things for show, yknow. Some things may reap neither tangible rewards nor benefits, but I continue to do as long as my belief is there. What I want to talk about is having heart to do something, not the recognition that may or may not come with it.
I have to say I don't really understand the current batch of juniors. I find it difficult to comprehend the way they treat their seniors (aka me and other j4s and j5s) as compared to the way I would treat my seniors. I don't know man. Is this generation gap or something? I didn't really interact much with my seniors but I treat them with some sort of respect. This has nothing to do with whether they are good technically in dance or did a hell lot of my batch's performance or anything like that. In fact, I think they pissed some of us off in some ways but that's besides the point. I still respect them because I think they deserve the respect. They have been there done that, did their part for the CCA and was partly why I could experience what I did during my time. Yes, my batch identity would have been as important but I would have been glad if I had nice seniors to talk to.
I don't know man. Am I really doing so badly as a senior? I really don't think so eh. I'm not sure...I'm speaking from my point of view. In fact, I'm thinking, are we really doing so badly as your seniors? Not only myself, I find my fellow batchmates not getting the kind of appreciation they deserve. I mean, come on, Girvan folded paper cranes for all of you and spent so much on i-dont-know-how-many-cups of Koi as morale booster for you guys. You mean he did that so that you guys can all kowtow to him and say Girvan rocks? I mean that would be the best scenario, but I'm sure he did not do it for the kowtows, he did it because he had the heart to do so. Seriously. If I were the junior, I don't know what I would do....but I would really want to tell him that I thank him from the bottom of my heart. Hug him and cry or something, hahahaha. Okay, maybe some junior really did go up to him and say thank you and stuff like that. I don't know, cause I'm not him. Chuan Khim too - he put in hell lot of effort into this batch and this production. I don't know he got the kind of appreciation he deserves too. Then again, I shall leave it as that, because I'm not them.
For myself, to be completely honest, I didn't feel appreciated. Really. I'm not saying this to ask for your sympathy. Really, but actions say a lot. I remember how all these started. Approaching this new batch of MAD EXCO, sharing with them our experiences. It must have been awkward for them but it was no less awkward for us too. It was the first time we tried something like that. But, if we don't ever try, then we will never get anything started? Yeah, then we offered to talk to them about Dance Night when they were starting to plan for it...well. Did that session sound feel like a waste of time? To a certain extent, I thought I did wasted time. The juniors made me felt like I kinda wasted their time. I believe that I had to do it though, I thought I had to. No matter how mundane I thought it was. (I really tried to make it interesting though.) Yeah, spent so much time writing the Dance Night Manual (ha, what a joke) and gave it to them. The question is, if anyone seriously looked at it at all. Half the things that happened towards the last few weeks of the performance really showed how much it was probably, in my opinion, thrown aside. It was probably not the best sort of guidance that could ever be offered, but I thought it was something. You know, probably something that made some sort of sense. Really. I don't need words of thanks. If you had think twice about what the seniors have been doing and understand where we are coming from, I would have been more than happy.
Which brings me back to....I'm looking all these notes and photos going around. All these thank you notes and happy photos on Dance Night. It's really heartening to see this happening. So my question now is, now that you're graduating from the CCA, can you see where the seniors are coming from now? Are you part of the alumni now or are you a separate entity on your own? A MAD Alumni Gen 2? Well, I can't stop you. But, to me, MAD is MAD. MAD has 3 divisions and the essence of each of the dance genres should be kept to. MAD is a dance CCA. MAD is big family of dancers and friends. That is my belief. If you see things differently, I'm open to discussion. But things like trying to break up the CCA is a no-way-I-will-say-yes-to-that.
And a short one for dance night before I end this because I'm really spending so much time writing this thing...I saw this part on, how it is not important whether we put up a good show or not, as long as we enjoyed our time together. Maybe I generalised too much and brought it out of context. Hmmm, this brings me to question: Why do we even do dancenight? Really, why? Do we do for the sake of doing it? Because the seniors did it, so should we. To me, the show puts a nice full stop to an end of a 1 1/2 year journey for the existing batch. The performance is a test of how well a group of people can work together, train together, dance together. It is an event through which friendships are forged.
I shall end here for now and get some sleep. Write for so many hours straight. Seriously, wtf.
To be continued.
HCI MAD.
HCI 08S60.
HCI NPCC.
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